Whiskey-thinks on the Presidential Election

Understand this. One day you're going to wake up in a bed, or whatever passes for a bed in your world, and you're going to realize that you've gotten old, and that it's all downhill from here. You have already been Young and now your body is going to start its slow decline. You are going to become aware of the aging process and you are going to be crippled by the fear of being Useless and Impotent, of Hurting, and, of course, of Dying. God help you if this strikes you when you're Young, still, around the 20-25 range, when you haven't even hit your peak yet. A thought like that sucks all the Fun out of those years when you still think you're immortal and that you're going to party till well past dawn every weekend for the rest of your life. There's no joy in thoughts like that, and you can get hung up on them for a while.

I've been bogged down in this kind of thinking, that the party might be over soon, that I might have to slow it down. It might have to do with the legitimate line of work I've gone into requiring my services frequently these past few weeks. Jesus, people do that for their whole LIVES, man. Make sense of that and then get back to me, that someone could do the exact same thing in the exact same place for years at a time. I understand wanting to master something, sure, but...catering? Mastering catering is a feat, sure, and the idea of being able to handle a party of any size and difficulty is a cool idea, but not something I'd want to sink my time into.

I've been wanting to write something on the upcoming primary for months now; I've been digging into each prospective candidate relentlessly, trying to come up with point sheets for the GOP. Nothing. This is a piss-poor election. The Right is cowering in the corner, and no one's bothered to step up apart from a few joke candidates and one ex-Governer. Right now all the talk is on Donald Trump—I suppose the New Rightists, all hung up on their Reaganophilia, have figured that Trump is the best they'll get since Schwarzenegger can't run. Not a chance in hell, I'd put more money down on John McCain giving it another go.

No, the GOP is going to have to offer up a sacrificial lamb in 2012, and they understand this. All the serious players are keeping quiet, forming “exploratory committees” and making few statements to the press. This is a careful time for the Republican party. This is the warm-up grounds for 2016, when the Democrats will have to find another worthwhile candidate and the GOP will stand a decent chance at grabbing the Big Seat.

Early prediction for GOP Nomination 2016: Scott Brown, the young Senator from Massachusetts that created a small upset when he nabbed Ted Kennedy's seat. Mitt Romney minus the Mormonism. A Right-Wing Obama. Dangerous. Someone to be watched.

And until then? Yawn at the debates, I suppose. This time in 2008 there were already 12 formally announced candidates, all power-players, all seriously snarling for their chance at the Big Race. Today we have four, five if you count Ole Savior. No one else seems to be. Fred Karger and Andy Martin, both one-trick ponies that won't come CLOSE to putting a dent in the nominations. Neither one will nab higher than 10 percent come Primary season, and I'll take bets on that. Jimmy McMillian, the brief Internet sensation, better known as the “Rent Is Too Damn High” guy. I'll leave his chances as an exercise for the reader.

Then there's Gary Johnson, who I actually like as a candidate. He's climbed Everest, he's pro-legalization of Marijuana. No word on the Three Gs of Neoconservativism (That would be God, Guns, and Gays) but his socially liberal views paint a fairly easy guess: for gay marriage, religious tolerance without congressional backing of a particular religion, and anti-gun-control. His fiscal policies are safe enough to win over the money-minded GOP, but his social views guarantee he'll be eaten alive. Every straw poll taken have candidates winning who haven't said they're running yet. Welcome to America, where ghosts win presidencies.

Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney. Romney would be the most comfortable, as far as evil bastards go. He'll be torn to shreds for his constantly changing positions, but so it is. Ron Paul is batshit crazy, and not much else. Huckabee...how long, O Lord, how LONG? Huckabee attracted my attention in the 2008 primaries for being a Republican with a soul, who wasn't afraid to stake out on his own opinions in the face of the Party Line...and yet four short years later he's bowing down to the GOP. Do we need a spineless sellout as a president?

Obama's got this in the bag. The media will try to inject some drama, but all the political journalists are dreading the thought of having to follow these tired old hacks around the country to watch them shake hands. There's hesitation all across the right. I'm not even taking bets, apart from Karger/Martin wager I've already offered. Four more years, and that's not a terrible thing.

Jesus, I'm rambling. I've been thinking of moving into more local politics, as I've got much easier access to the local suits than anyone on Capitol Hill, and getting my information second- or third-hand is starting to wear thin on my nerves. The implications give me the charge, slake my thirst, but Christ, finding things out from Al Jazeera and Reddit isn't the same as hearing the words. I want to dig in and see them sweat. If I do, I might not put my scribblings up here; I doubt any of you give half a shit about Treachery and Treason and Politics in South Florida. Still, if you want it, I will deliver. I spread joy and wisdom like aerosolized rabbit semen. Write me, strangelings, and ask me questions.