Murder.

I've never killed anything before.

That's a lie, actually. Lots of insects, huge number of them. I fucking hate anything with more than four appendages and will wage all-out war with all the wrath and fury behind me that I can muster. The second thing I've killed was a stray lizard that somehow made its way into my room. I tried to catch the thing and, I guess, accidentally brained it. Poor little fucker was dead before I realized I'd cornered it, and I still feel bad for it.

Those are different. That lizard was an accident. Insects don't count as life forms. So let's rephrase that. I've never intentionally killed anything before, until last night.

I'd say that it was a mercy killing, and I genuinely believe that. I can certainly say that it was premeditated, because I held off on blowing the brains out of the fucker the night before. That's what it boiled down to. Months and months of worrying, of lost sleep, of time and effort put in trying to keep moving, to be okay with the way things were, hoping to Jesus that one day I could just accept it.

I got rip roaringly drunk and worked myself into a king-hell panic over nothing at all on Saturday. I put away an irresponsible amount of liquor and was grateful when my body decided to drop in several milliliters of pure adrenaline to top it off. And I went to bed thinking that I'd either commit murder or commit suicide, and either way it couldn't happen soon enough.

My gun hand was trembling. I thought about the years we had together, the memories. The things we've built, the lives we've changed. I thought about throwing away an entire life to build a new one in a strange town, just for the sake of this. I remembered our most beautiful moments together, the fights we had, the making up. The dinners. The late nights. The trips. The fun. The road. The music.

I remembered all the love I've ever had for so many people.

And then I put a bullet in between its eyes.

At the end of the day, I was the one holding the gun. It was my call to make. I made the right one.