I haven't been updating as much as I'd hoped, and there is good reason for this; my immune system decided that it was too good for the likes of a bum like me and took off at the start of last week. Fever set in, and then a hacking cough. Between those two some unknown and stealthy trickster god crept up on me when I wasn't looking and shoved a wad of packing tissue down my chest, lodged just past the diaphragm and making breathing an irritating task. At this point, I took that simply as further argument to stop breathing, which had been my desire for at least a day...and then came the insomnia. I don't know if any of my readers have been physically unable to sleep while in the throes of a hacking cough for any amount of time. It was three days before I got any sleep, and a week before I got decent sleep. The vision quest would have been magnificent if not for the sobbing wheezes of my lungs.
But I have been made manifest again! Praise be unto Nyquil and bouillon cubes and Nyquil, also to Livetta for nursing me back to health and taking care of me and having WAY more patience than I could have ever deserved. Show her some love in return and read her blog; the stuff I hack together pales in comparison.
Now, because I was ill and therefore unable to be productive (You try cleaning guns when you double over every time you cough. Want to see where your finger slips, Gambling Man?) I decided to return to a favorite website of mine, Omegle. The premise is simple: you talk to someone, anonymously. That's it. You connect with another human being somewhere in the world and speak about whatever you want without the judgments and burdens of identity. Think of the implications of that; confessions, deep and honest discussions, anything you want to say but are afraid to can be communicated freely. This should be the ultimate forum for political, philosophical, religious discussion; there's no judgment here because the both of you are words on a screen, ideas being exchanged. I was eager to get back on; I wanted to talk Sarah Palin and Catholicism and war and death and taxes and literature. I wanted to go on long rants about The Good Doctor to anyone who had read him, seen the movies, heard of him.
What do I get instead?
“hey asl”
Now, for those of you un-savvy with technospeak these days, “asl” is a request for your age, location, and which set of genitalia you posess. That immediately tosses anonymity to the side, and gives a pretty clear picture of what most people are on omegle for; an online swinger's club. There are any number of places designated for this sort of thing, and omegle ain't one of 'em. Not too long ago, there was a little blurb at the top of the page saying “There are better ways to start a conversation than 'asl!'” This was such a problem the developers changed the website to make note of it. And really, what kind of opening is that, anyway? “asl” is widely accepted as shorthand for “I'm horny and want to use you as masturbation fodder if you conform to a few standards?” and that's okay, I s'pose. I mean, there are real-world equivalents. These are called “pick-up lines.” But these require basic social tenants, like being able to hold a conversation and being deceptive enough to convince the other party that you really DO care about more than getting laid. The good folks on omegle I ran into decided to go in for something a little more blunt. When I told them that I was XX amount of years, living in X state, and male, they'd log off. Change that to 'female...' and you get some interesting responses...
“u horny baby?” “u wanna cam” “imagine im ur dad and wan to have sex wit u”
These are direct quotes. There are, in this world, people who approached a stranger in that exact manner. Human beings exist that think it's acceptable to talk to another person in such a fashion. Here's a practical experiment; go up to someone and say the following : “I want to see you naked so I can masturbate to you. I don't care about your name, but how old are you?” See what happens. Don't ask me to post your bail. Now, just because you can't see another person doesn't make this any more acceptable in an environment not designated for that kind of interaction. I'm not trying to go all socially-responsible-good-boy-journalist on you, here. I normally don't give a fuck. I'll let Livetta talk about the sociological and gender-binary issues here; she understands that mojo way better than I do. But I spent days trying to have an intelligent conversation with someone, anyone, and mostly got propositioned for sex. Come on, internet. Anonymous people are people, too.
There is a bright side to this. After one and one-half days of no sleep, I went a little insane. I decided in my haze that if these folks were going to ignore social conventions, then, dammit, so was I. So every time someone asked for my “asl” I'd paste the entirety of “The Great Gatsby” into the conversation box and yell obscenities, ro start lecturing on it, until they went away. I got a little preemptive, though. I knew I had a problem when I demanded to see someone's thumbs to prove their humanity and then said “Hi.”
I'm still on omegle most nights. I'm still looking for good conversation. So go on. Head there. Talk to me. Let's discuss. But if you ask me for my “asl,” shiteyes, then prepare to suck my novel.
Mahalo,
Uncle Tambour.
Www.omegle.com Come talk to me.
Livetta.blogspot.com You really want to read this blog. I promise.
