Postmortem: Iowa Debate

I want to preface this by saying that I've been drinking heavily, and that no editing will occur at any stage of writing this. What you're reading is what fell out of my head; pure Gonzo journalism.

Hopefully all of you tuned in to the Iowa debate tonight, a fantastic demonstration of useless political backspeaking and nonsense slung out at a camera for baying crowds of sun-tanned farmers who have already made up their minds who they're voting for. The whooping, hollering, and occasional cry for blood that came from the audience tonight seemed premeditated, with Ron Paul and Michelle Bachmann bringing their own herds of creatures to cheer them on after every spoken word. The questions presented were plainly biased, as is so often the case in these kinds of debates. Kudos go to Newt Gingrich for calling the moderator out on his bullshit. Those same kudos get retracted, but we'll get into that in a minute.

First and foremost: who came out of this one smiling? The obvious answer is Mitt Romney, who, as usual, charmed and dodged his way through all questions while defending his Mormonism and going just fringe enough to appeal to some of the more far-right voters while still remaining comfortable to the majority of central-right Republicans. The usual spiel was offered from all sides with the primary focus being the economy, and the song was the same: cut taxes, create jobs. Ho hum, and so much for that. Surpisingly, Tim Pawlenty came out of left field and showed enough fang to impress me. Most of the night was taken up with him sparring Tea Party darling Michelle Bachmann, a pretty but utterly useless sack of carbon who rehashed the same memorized lines time and time again. Pawlenty's last appearance on the debate stage left something to be desired; he was boring, sweaty, panicking, and clearly not ready to play with the big boys. He fell into his humdrum step a few times, but his handler, noted Republican campaign guru Nick Ayers, has clearly been feeding him the right kind of steroids. He almost nonchalantly dueled with Bachmann, putting the outspoken Representative on the defensive and thus robbing her of her strength, which is stringing together words in a loud and emotional manner until everyone goes away.

Ron Paul put on an interesting show, shaming Rick Santorum, a candidate best known for gay-bashing and openly worshipping Cthulhu. Ron looked tired and scared tonight; he knows that he can't win this election, but he wants to give it his best and get a good message out. He certainly succeeded, bringing to the debate the only genuine outburst of emotion, begging the audience to listen to him, to just think...it was almost heartbreaking to see the GOP rebel of 2008 looking like a very old, very tired man just trying to educate the shitheads around him. He held his own, but knows very well that this isn't his game anymore.

The usual suspects took up the same amount of space and said the same things and acted like the same useless strains of chlamydia that they are. Hermann Cain has no earthly idea what is going on around him, and could not justify himself to the world if his life depended on it. Newt Gingrich succeeded in sucking off the ghost of Ronald Reagan more times than a necrophiliac voodoo priest and proving to us all that he is outdated and useless, a dinosaur in the digital age. He couldn't speak without bringing up Reagan, Clinton, hell, even JFK. John Huntsman, former governor of Utah and newcomer to the GOP race, spent most of his time justifying himself, failing to justify himself, and ultimately making an ass of himself. He's mediocre at best and just another thing to hate at usual.

Noticeably absent on the stage tonight were Gary Johnson, former governor of New Mexico who, while faring well in the last debate holds views radically different from that of the mainstream GOP; Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, a self-proclaimed vampire out of Florida who somehow managed to fill out paperwork for GOP nomination and whose most noteworthy policy is getting the Mafia to 'take care of' drug dealers; Jimmy "The Rent is too Damn High" McMillan, the poet out of New York who became an internet phenomenon with his fluid speaking and straighforward, no-bullshi rhetoric, and, of course, Rick Perry. For those who haven't been keeping up, Rick Perry, governor of Texas, declared August 9th to be a "day of prayer and fasting" in complete violation of the US Consitution. Governor Perry has announced that he is seeking the presidency and will be running on the GOP ticket.

To wrap this up: Pawlenty came away strong, Romney came away Romney, and everyone else just walked away. Rick Perry is the only unknown in this race; otherwise it will go down to Romney, who Obama will defeat in a narrow margin come 2012. As for me, until someone impresses me, I'm voting for Jimmy McMillan, because he may very well be Jules from Pulp Fiction grown up and gone into politics.